sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
