No I am not eating basil off your cock
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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