After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
