Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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