I wish I could teleport
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
There's even glitter on my cock...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
