if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
