So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
