I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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