and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
