What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
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like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
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Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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