1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
