is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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