I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
