where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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