When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
