They should really pass out barf bags in church
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
