I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
