Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
