I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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