So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
