We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
