we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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