It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
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What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
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I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Come on in and take your pants off
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