time to smoke my breakfast
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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