Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
