But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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