I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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