a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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