If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
