i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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