I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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