I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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