party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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