Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
