i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
