You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
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laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
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I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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