I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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