shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
