I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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