These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
