she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
