I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
