I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
There's always time for handjobs
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
