I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
