Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
