I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
40s are totally the cure
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
