I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
