neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
