He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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