Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
