At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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