if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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