was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
