it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
