Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
