My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
