May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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